In a quest for love

If love could be measured,

It wouldn't be measured with money.

Neither with the time she keeps you company.

Hence seek thou not for luxuries,

In her warm embrace,

But incessant care instead,

Which despite entailing infertility,

Is a panacea to cure agonies.

獻給 2011/07/15 值 62 病房大夜班的白衣天使「蘇綉玲」

這一夜不平靜，
梅超風式駭人的乾嘔；
忽而聲嘶力竭，忽而淒厲；
痛楚得咒罵；
手機上向家屬說明插管風險的大夫；
推車來回返復；
於此同時，
卻傳來最沈穩、撫慰人心的天使之聲，
徹底獲得不平靜的平靜。

Academically Intoxicated

I had been innocent,
To the extent that feeling naively happy was an innate trait.

Until one day,
I was semi-enlightened,
Incautiously falling into the trap,
Woven by the game of critical thinking,
And neglected wise words from an experienced tutor,
Playing so hard the game.
The outcome, unfortunately, was inability to perceive happiness again.

I'm not healed, but am already in the process of recovery.
Thus my dearest friends who have been well trained academically,
Please beware of the trap while playing the game.
Play, but only as much as needed.
Then, it's time to put the intricate cognitive apparatus away,
And wait for another round of the game.

lonely or alone?

It may not seem so, but I believe people are meant to be alone in this world, sooner or later. What weighs more is whether we can keep ourselves from being lonely.

For me, seeing a smile of a friendly face, hanging out with the ones we love, getting a call/message from an old friend, or even working with a colleague (including online contacts) helps eliminate every bit of loneliness.

33 歲生日感言：謝謝你們毫無條件地愛我

不知道為什麼，我從小就有一個根深蒂固的信念──
認為自己是個不真、不善、不美的壞東西。
所以對於大家愛我這件事一直感到納悶，總覺得邏輯上說不通。

膽小、愛哭、不真誠、現實、自私自利、言語乏味，還有一堆數都數不完的缺點，
怎麼可能有人會愛我？

33 歲的生日，看到大家寫給我的話，我終於瞭解箇中道理。

謝謝你們
謝謝你們毫無條件地愛我：
謝謝家人包容我嘴不甜以及彆扭的個性
知道撲克臉和壞口氣背後其實藏著愛你們的心意
還有遠在異鄉忙著開創下一個人類科學大發現、
領導麾下「創見」下一個業績高峰、或擔任諮商顧問兼閒婦的友人
總不忘捎來關懷的訊息
大家別具巧思的禮物、克服害羞個性賣力演出的驚喜「短劇」、
聰明、善解人意的學生，在看到我努力扮演「典型教師」時，
偶爾不經意流露出「非主流價值」仍予以肯定
謝謝身旁的人不斷提醒我要愛自己
更感謝主透過提早來到的疾病讓我想通人生的意義
不至於沈醉在追逐名利的遊戲。
Some say it's a blessing to find someone who loves you no matter what.
I say my blessing is zillionfold, for I have found so many.

延宕

渴望無法埋葬
就暫時收藏
讓日復一日
令人無法喘息的工作
覆蓋其上
待塵封多年
記憶斑駁之時
化為掙脫衰老軀殼的重生想望

本能

愛自己原是種本能
就像呼吸一樣自然
只是 人不能只愛自己
所以 必須學著愛人

對某些人來說
愛人等於犧牲自己
只是 犧牲往往令人痛苦
索性 忘記所有犧牲

直到有一天
你徹底忘卻犧牲
痛苦變得和緩
卻也漸漸失去本能

對其他人來說
愛人等於改正別人
但是 改正往往帶來衝突
所以 只好板起臉孔

直到某一天
你不再懂得尊重差異
衝突已是必然
迫害成了愛的手段